In 1963, Betty Friedan published her famous Feminine Mystique. In it she wrote,
"Women are victims of a false belief system that requires them to find identity and meaning in their lives through their husbands and children. Such a system causes women to completely lose their identity in that of their family."One of my wisest pals sent this to me recently. It got me thinking...what was this bill of goods sold to those of us born in 1969?
I call it the "Feminine Mistake". Many of you asked about it. One blogger (see comments below), asked if I did something wrong! Yes, lots. But that's not what I call the mistake. PS. Good girls go to Heaven, Bad girls go to Paris, London and LA.
My point is I am sitting at home trying to get pregnant at 40. I've actually quit the high exec job to slow down because I want a baby of my own so badly. I played by the new rules Betty encouraged me to follow, to have a career, see the world, support myself and have an identity outside of my husband. Now I'm childless. She forgot to tell me to get pregnant while I was still 30!! That's the mistake.
She also generalized. Some of my friends LIKE being defined by their husbands and children and choosing that is not a false belief system for them. Thanks to her maybe, it's a choice now rather than a suffering singular option for all women with kids. We just have to glam that option up post feminism. It's got a bad wrap. It's mocked at like the kid with the bad haircut. She forgot to warn us that the hardest choice would be to try and be her feminist goddess and June Cleaver in a drink mix. Singular stay at home and singular career track...much cleaner. It gets messy anywhere in between.
For close to 10 years I've watched my best friends struggle to accomplish this cocktail without a manual. They are the real mavericks who decided to have children and then figure out how much career/ art/ family they needed in the mix to feel in control of their identity: I was on one track called career that Betty and her friends missed. But they also had something I now miss.
My role has been listening to my friends from my desk hovering over the glass ceiling as they duck body punches, juice spills and disaster babysitters. I have to admit, some friends like Lane are really happy at home with spreadsheets of soccer practice and scrapbooks (even though it would bore me to tears) Lane makes me afraid to have children but Sissy doesn't. Sissy, well, her tragedy is a rare one and Julie's got it going on. Julie makes you want to have a child faster than a Botox injection. I'll tell you more about them next time.
My point is: Betty you forgot to mention that if we also want kids as part of our identity, we have to pencil them into a realistic timeline while we nurture the alternate identity. I know you meant well but my friend who scrapbooks her kids and husband is pretty darn happy. That's a choice too. It's easy post feminist movement to judge her as wasteland but as I sit here without kids...her life looks pretty darn fulfilled.
By the way, Julie's looks even better - 3 days of work and a kid. Perfection for me. And if she has a direct line to tech support from her B&B Italia sofa she drapes her gorgeous paws over, its going to put me over the edge!
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